Final Decision

Heyyyyy, so I feel like I have not posted in awhile.  :-)  Even though this blog began only as a trial run, I enjoy seeing it grow and therefore, I would like to plug in posts still.  And did I tell you that I received TWO baking books for my 20th bday?  I hope you know what that means... Haha.  :D  I've tried two recipes, one from each book, and they turned out fabulous!  So I have a grand feeling about these lil' guys...

This evening I plan on making Banana Bread from one of the books.  The book is ....

that book.  ;-)  And I'll let you know how it goes, if I remember.  I think I'm looking forward to it.

Also, I'll slip in here that it's been decided that I'll be attending North Park University this Fall- not be going to Wyoming or Texas or any other place besides NPU Chicago.  Which is neato.  :)  I know I've mentioned running away, etc., but- it's all good.  I am probably the most excited about North Park's baby dance team.  Baby dance team because it'll be about 3 years old after this upcoming season.  ;)  Auditions are in about a week and a half and I just get a thrill dancing/performing....and there is an excellent coach who is very motivating.  Oh and classes are cool too.  ;-)

 *classic move here

 *beautiful

 *Yes!

*Ballerinas are beautiful.  I want to be one.  But I don't have the discipline.  But maybe, if it works out, I would like to be a ballerina in Heaven...

Last thing- and most importantly- there are some people, and I guess this is what the Spirit of God looks like in people- who really have it going on, like with Christ.  I don't know, man, but I want what these people I have in mind have.  And I don't want to fake it.  And I don't think I'm making much sense here either.  But this is just a note that establishes an observation, a distinction between Christians who really recognize who Christ is and what He means and then those of us who don't- really know the significance and reality of Him.  -you know?

I wonder if I'm losing it-
Miss Rae :*

"I'm 20"

Today, as my sister dropped me off at work, she left me with some variation of the following words, "Start saying it out-loud, "I'm 20. I'm 20 years old...'"  She thought I would actually feel 20, and appreciate being 20, once it sunk in.  :)  Haha- I do like it!  Initially, at least.

So creating this blog was all apart of my "21 b4 21" list.  Creating/attempting to make a fantastical baking blog of my own was something on my list.  Baking blogs, good ones ;), are the bomb!  :)  And something I have learned so far, is that it requires a lot of baking and cooking and most of my blogs on this site have therefore not been on-topic.  Meh.  ;-)

God, Jesus, Holy Spirit- thanks for all agreeing to make me.  Something I've realized while talking to a really good friend yesterday on my bday, was that I'm afraid to make mistakes and this fear, probably like all fears, can be paralyzing.  So God, I need help to move when I should move.  And I bring this up now because I'm 20, another year older, and I really don't want to waste my time.  So- I don't want to do anything without the Holy Spirit with me.

 Friends and family really make differences in lives- ok, I'll make it an "I" statement- family and friends really make a difference in my life.  ;-)  And the "best" ones are those that are annoying, and still stick around.  If that doesn't make sense, that's ok, because I know what I mean.

Hush.
 Happy Birthday to all on their day!!!
20-year old, Lady Rae ;-) 

Oh and something that's worth mentioning; the Bible verse that says, "Don't pretend to love people- really love them."  Peculiar, right?  It's like the author knows me.  Okay, okay...

Distractions

http://youtu.be/nQwci9orqUk

"'Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove
'Cause somebody will see
all my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road"

~The Wreckers "Cigarettes"

I tried smoking again.  And ahh it's so not natural.  I feel sick on my fingers, my mouth, my tongue, everything when I smoke and I do it, and look out at people and think about what they think of me and I think to myself, "This is so stupid.  Yuck, gross.  *spit*  This is so stupid!  *spit...I spit a lot*  Gross!"

I don't relate to all of the lyrics.  But yes to the chorus.  I always kind of thought that the Wrecker's music was over-dramatic, etc.  But now, maybe they were just being honest and writing songs and not caring if people thought they were being over-dramatic.

At church, Willow Creek, we had the Leadership Conference today!  And it's so incredible.  In noticing what gets me amped and not in regards for the future and well, careers, I have ruled out working with kids, I think, and have ruled in working with adults, international adults, and maybe somehow listening to speakers/pastors?!  I really enjoy listening to people give speeches and sermons?  I'm getting somewhere!  :-)
Miss Rae

Sometimes I

"Even though I hate to admit it, sometimes I smoke cigarettes.  Christian folk say I should quit it, but I just smile and say, "God Bless..."  (Miranda Lambert's song, Heart Like Mine)

I first heard this song and I loved it.  It was a season when my two favorite songs were this one and another by Sugarland, "Little Miss".  It's kind of quirky- Heart Like Mine is kind of nothing like me, however once I heard and saw the music video to Miranda Lambert's Kerosene, I liked her!  I wanted to be her, probably because she is everything I am not. 


Hey!, so what I was saying was that I love singing the song and even mentally pretending that Heart Like Mine applies to me and yeah, it's pretty silly.  However, I bought my first pack of cigarettes yesterday at a 7-Eleven.  And you know what?  I am unable to not think of the chorus, "Cancer stick, cancer stick- you're putting a cancer stick to your mouthhhh!  Ah, Kyla!  You're going to get lip cancer, tongue cancer, and then finger cancer!" out of my mind, as I take one.  And I fail at lighting the stick!  Today, it was me & God, sitting down on a bike path and to raise the drama, I told myself I'm smoking!  But it didn't light.  Humility!  Hello?  Ha!

Putting aside the thoughts that consume my  mind for a moment, before the end of this summer, I would like to make homemade wine, homemade bread, and make my dad "Beef Stroganoff (sp)" again.

Huh.  And about the Homemade Wine idea- this website intimidates me.  I kind of thought I'd buy grapes, mash them up, let them ferment, and add sugar.  Is this now how it goes?  http://www.greathomemadewine.ca/hw/Equipment.html  What's this air cap I need?

I think I'll follow this nice-looking woman on the bread: http://ilovemy5kids.blogspot.com/2011/07/easy-homemade-bread-without-bread.html.

Mosquitoes!!!
Miss Rae

Mmm...Perfect.

Hearing and seeing swear words definitely affects me.  They come out so much easier after I see them/hear them.  I've watched the video for Pink's Perfect song and it has her song politely edited...but I almost wrote the real words anyways.  It's about self-control, isn't it?  And being consistent?
I try to not like "secular" songs.  Unless they are country.  Having written that out, that sounds pretty hypocritical doesn't it?  And it makes me feel like I need to try less to not like songs.  On the other hand, the temperature easily boils inside of me at the lyrics of some songs.  But I really like Pink's Perfect song.  And I really like heavy eye liner.  It's beautiful and it's like a masquerade.  Now that I'm on it, I like Katy Perry (I almost take it back) 's song ET.  To be honest, it would be better if Kanye West's part was taken out.  And I want to clarify, it's NOT BECAUSE HE IS AFRICAN-AMERICAN!  I'm not a huge fan of rap...except if it's really good.

Let's be honest, we like it, I like ET, cuz it's hott.  Am I right?  Have I told you my theory yet?  My theory that relates to this song, the movie Avatar, and the series Twilight?  I really enjoyed the series Twilight.  I remember reading them in High School and reading them is literally all I wanted to do.  And I don't even think I'm ashamed of that.  It's strong, huh?  The desire to be a part of a beautiful love.  Do you think the desire to be apart of a strong, beautiful, passionate love is just as strong as the desire to be a part of an adventure?  Those two desire have got to be close to even.
I heard that there were support groups for those who watched the movie Avatar and were then so depressed that there isn't anything like it- all there is, is life on Earth.  And it can easily not be very exciting.

One of my best dreams was a dream of me helping this guy find his dad, I believe it was.  In my dream we were running and climbing a really tall, slippery, large blown-up toy- kind of like those blown-up jumpy things that kids love?  You know?  If I remember correctly, whatever we were climbing even had the same colors as that jumpy contraption in real life.  :-)
One of the best parts of this dream was when the dude turned to me and asked me what I was doing.  I told him- I'm helping you!  And I was having fun!  We were active, running and searching and helping each other climb this...bouncy blown-up thing, but my heart was pounding and it was great.
So I'm getting to my theory- It's innate in each person, to be undeniably alive and a part of an adventure. 
I have not gone clubbing yet in my life.  I haven't, now that I'm old enough, because I wouldn't be able to separate dance and lust.  But I really have a blast dancing and lust can be fun, too.  In Jr. High I just couldn't wait to be able to go clubbing!
I think I understand why clubs are so fun.  I think- loud music where the bass moves your chest, close bodies, heat, so many people wanting to "lose themselves", feel gooooood.  Yes!  And the song, ET, we want to be out of this world, people!  I do, too!  Who wouldn't want that?  It's crazy, exhilarating,  wild, and is it free?

I recognize this- why people do drugs, dance, drink, read novels, and more- humans have it programmed in them to feel.  And I think this was made by God.
I think it's God, peeps.  Lord, I want to live out of this world, too!  And I'm not holding my breath for my own, Jacob, to come for me, take my hand, and help me run.
So that's my theory.  And I think it's one more thing that only God can fulfill.

With heart, soul, and sharing the same innate emotion ;),
Miss Rae
God, You are Great.  Take us all home.

 

Running Away

Is running away, always a drastic move?  Or could someone run away with like, peace & love & good-will?

Also, my friend, Lesley Nash has a super fun blog (LesleyNash.blogspot.com?), as does a woman named Alice, who is the creator of SavorySweetLife blog.

I got an e-mail from my dance coach at school that is really exciting- talking about auditions and practices and a competition!!!  :-)  I was also looking at pictures of my beautiful friends I met at NP and church and I received two e-mails from NP, as well.  One of them telling me when I could move in to the house I am registered to live in.  It's funny- the date is the same date that school/move-in is for Jackson Hole Bible College.  Funny...right?

I SO don't know what to do and moreover, HOW TO DO IT!  I think I just need to scream, get tattoos, smoke, and run through fields to touch God...I can't touch Him, but what I meant is, run through fields to feel Him- to know He's here and with me and touching me and wants me and loves me and is not irritated at me for- everything.  For being so freeken discontent and shady and downcast.  Guys....Lord...I almost feel like I am falling apart.  I don't know what to do.  Moreover- I don't know how to do whatever I need to do.

Miss Rae

"I could run away....You would never leave...You will always stay right by my side..."
Even if I go to other things to try to gain footing or lose my confusion?  Even if I- push everyone else away or fall apart?

Not What I Expected

CLICK HERE FOR A GOOD SONG...Skeleton Bones.

Miss Rae.

Closerrrr

Closer

it may not necessarily be awful...what I'm about to say...that lately I feel like smoking and listening to this music for hours.  now I don't need to smoke and I'm reminded frequently the damaging effects of it.  however, I feel like it would help me listen to the music.


Lovely & Waiting

i met with a professor from my university today.  my sister was with me and we talked over phillipino food.  this professor has taken the time to talk with me, get to know me, and he's not even my advisor and has not been my professor, yet.  and what i expected him to say- he didn't.  we talked about not going to university in the fall- and how that could be a good thing.  he was very encouraging and ended with, "God is love.  He is a God of love."  Wow...that is so great.

 Horn of Africa

is this another situation like that of the Holocaust?  Are Americans going to know about something really awful and wait before getting involved?  I'm not talking about Americans.  I'm talking about me.  Hey- please help me, what should I be doing?!?
Thunder strikes outside. 
Don't I need to get moving?,
Miss Rae


**hey!  Happy Birthday, beautiful friend, Sarah.  May God bless you and Love you and shower you with Truth!

I'm Sick

Good evening.  I am feeling sick.  Yesterday I felt my throat stinging and it has lasted the night and day, today.  Unlike other people, I feel very much like eating when I'm sick.  Odd, indeed.  But I crave ice-cream any other day, but especially when I'm sick because it feels so good on my throat!  And food feels good going down on my throat as well.  So perhaps the whole "not-feeling-well-enough-to-eat" thing comes with a different kind of sickness.
ANYWAYS.
I don't know exactly how to write this, but perhaps the following will come out truthfully.  The Holy Spirit is invited here.  Even though, I recently finished dragging my parents down the short path of possibility regarding an internship in Texas, and I desire to be agreeable and pleasant and wise...and goodness sake's, content!, ...I still explore other avenues on the internet.
Did I mention here that the advice given to me from an experienced Christian woman was to be content?  It's so simple, yet I still manage to think of a good amount of questions for it.

Blessings at North Park:
attending CFAN church!
seeing so great people again!
taking interesting courses, specifically Intentional Communities
experiencing sharing a house with 7 females
working at a coffee house/restaurant!
leading a Jr. High small group?
being close to home where 3 sisters are, on of them being engaged, my funny parents, my injured Grandpa, my family in MI reside
listening to the wisdom "calling out in the streets"- get a degree, child, you need a degree
dance team, baking & cooking opportunities, climbing wall, and learning & adapting to the Chicago-city life ;-)
Blessings that will come with Not Attending NP:
not rushing life.  not waiting for life to begin because I hold a college diploma in my hand.
addressing my discontent, instead of half-stuffing it with pillows and excuses and sucking it up
trusting my instincts.
taking time to understand how I want to live/what I want to put my time and money into
breathing.
living an adventure!  participating in writing my story.
I don't know, guys.  Several songs come to mind:
"What if Your blessings come through rain drops?  What if Your healing comes through tears?  What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?" Laura Story ~ Blessings

"Where You lead me, Lord, I will follow.  Where you lead me, Lord, I will go..."  Violet Burning ~ Invitacion Fountain


"I could run away, You would never leave.  You will always stay right by my side..."  Waterdeep ~ I could run away

Miss Rae.

http://www.jhbc.edu/About/index.html
http://www.montanabiblecollege.edu/
http://www.prairie.edu/Page.aspx?pid=475
http://www.northpark.edu/

"Human-Doing"

Some Thoughts:  The concept of a human-being vs. a human-doing.  Which am I and what should I be?  I'm really hungry after I cry/run-through-emotions.  I'MSOMADATTHEHONORACADEMYBECAUSEOFBADREVIEWSIVEHEARDANDIWASREALLYHYPEDUPFORITANDTHOUGHTMYLIFEWOULD STARTTHEREAHHHHHHHH.  I have a really good boss.  I eat a lot of sugar, but I can deny it.  I crave milkshakes/ice-cream pretty much everyday.  Also, we can blame a monthly visitor with good intentions, but who also brings mysterious side effects with their visit, or the lack-of-self-control for sugar products, for my crummy attitude.  I am now learning that when someone is crabby, it should not lie on the person being crabbed-at, but it entirely remains on the crabapple, and the space he/she breathes.  Unfortunately, very unfortunately, the crabbed-at folk are usually among ma famille.


What do I do all the time, but doesn't work?  That only makes things worse?  Well, what I'm thinking of is getting upset because someone isn't doing something I think he/she should.  The real catch is, I don't tell that person what I want- I assume that person knows/should know.  I think I do this a lot.  And it only hurts.

Whew!  Life is a work in progress, ain't it?
Kisses :*,
Miss Rae