Thursday, March 1, 2012

I Ate the Divorce Papers

by Gabriel Benjamin Davis
I ate them.  That's right.  I ate the divorce papers, Charles.  I ate them with ketchup.  And they were good...gooood.  You probably want me to get serious about our divorce.  The thing is you always called our marriage a joke.  So let's use logic here: If (A) we never had a serious marriage then (B) we can't have a serious divorce.  No.  We can't.  The whole things a farce, Charles -- a farce that tastes good with ketchup.  (Beat)
I mean, wasn't it last week, your dad asked you the reason you walked down that aisle with me and you said, "for the exercise."  Ha, ha.  That's funny.  You're a funny guy, Charles.  I'm laughing, not crying.  Ha, ha.  I'm laughing because you're about to give up on a woman who is infinitely lovable.  (Beat)
For instance, Pual.  He has loved me since the eighth grade.  Sure, he's a little creepy, but he reeeally loves me.  He's made one hundred twenty-seven passes at me, proposed forty-seven times, and sent me over two hundred original love sonnets.  He sees something in me, Charles.  And he writes it down, in metered verse!  (Beat)
....... (monologue continues) ........
by Bruce Kane
"To be or not to be that is the question..."  (Dropping the Shakespearean tone and replacing it with a modern sound.)  No, it's not...That's not the question.  That never was the question.  The question is, "Will you marry me?"  That's the question.  But when you're with a guy who can't make up his mind about anything, what you get is "Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the sling and arrows of outrageous..."  
No, I don't like how that one continues...let's keep looking!
by Jill Morley
G'morin'!  Welcome to Chanel Sixty-Four's "cookin' with Tulula."  I'm Tulula Lee May, your Baptist Gourmet and before I lead in a recipe, I'm gonna lead you in a prayer.
Lordy, Lordy, let me learn.  Not to let my souffle burn.  And if it does, oh promise me this.  Someone in my kitchen will like it crisp!  Amen.
Last night, I was divinely insprired when the Lord came to me in a dream and He said, "Tulula, you are my culinary link to humanity.  I bestow upon you the celestial preparation for fried grits."
Ingredients are hominy, cheese, and the life-giving energy to all the Lord's creatures...fat.
First you baptize your ingredients  (Throws water on the ingredients with fervor).  You're baptized!  You're baptized!  You're baptized!
Next, we finely chop the hominy and the cheese, which I have already done because they won't let me have the air time I need.  (Smiles and winks at a producer off-stage.)  Isn't that right, Jimmy?  (Under her breath.)  Producer Shmoducer.
................. (monologue continues) .......

I'm still in the process of memorizing that, Glass Eels, monologue, but I need to prepare a "funny" monologue, as well.  That's what the above are about.  :-)  
It's March, by the way!  Happy March!  This means that my 21 yr. old sister will be 22 yrs. old soon and March 17 is only about three weeks away!  Less than!  And by March 17, I need to be prepared for AMTC.  Woot wooty.  ;-)
With love,
Kyla  :-) 


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