Wednesday, March 7, 2012

"I heard you were a Wild One. OooOoooOoo"

Before the above song came on the radio this evening, driving home I heard a T. Swift song, "Ours".  I really enjoy T. Swift.  I'm not sorry for that either.  I am aware that I am perhaps, more cynical, skeptical, sad about love and relationships than most Joes and Janes, but Taylor Swift songs kind of bring out the optimism in me. 

Like I really enjoy her song, "Sparks Fly", and while we're on the topic, I really enjoyed purchasing and owning her first two CDs and looking forward to owning her latest one as well.  Thanks Taylor Swift, for writing about and singing about love that I am not creative enough or trusting enough to think about.  *taps fist on chest a couple of times and throws it at T. Swift--that's a "homegirl" signal*

I want options.  I ask for them.  But now, I really don't feel like making a decision.  I don't like making long-term goals.  Goals like, "I'm not going to cut my hair 'till ____", or, "I'm going to finish this semester in school" are okay.  Like, for the most part I make those kinds of goals and I keep them.  But goals like, "In 5 years I'm going to ______", or something like that, I am NOT comfortable making those kinds of goals.  I don't really know why.  I find it to be silly for me.  I feel like I'm a gal who is on the chain of the weakest link.  If there is a disaster, I'll either die or I'll be under a bridge somewhere or saved by a whim--you know what I mean?  That's an extreme example, but what I'm talking about is I don't make goals because 1) I don't know when my time is UP. 2) (and most influentially) I don't want to be chained to anything.  If I make the goal to be a teacher in 3 yrs., but get the opportunity to join a circus for a year or something whimsical like that, shouldn't I, and wouldn't I, take that?  Is anyone getting to see my perspective?

For example (and the beauty of typing a bunch is that this is my blog, so I can type and type...), I told a friend in the Fall some of my "dreams".  One of my dreams was to work in and be a part of an orphanage!  I want children to be played with, instructed, and valued.  I want children to be told that they are beautiful/handsome everyday and eat home-made dee da da, a dream of mine is to work alongside an orphanage.  Well when I told him this, he will periodically ask me, "How's your orphanage?"  And I think to myself, "You can't ask me that!  That's a...that's a...a dream!  A far-away dream!"

Essentially, what I want to say is again, I don't know what to do.  Ha!  I want to:
-work at summer camp in Arkansas this summer
-go to Paris with YWAM this summer
-become a Jazzercise instructor
-start massage training at Soder World's academy because it appears to be such a beautiful and peaceful place
-meet Jesus, semi face-to-face because I'm scared.
-live in an Intentional Community although the longer I go without visiting one, the more energy it takes to say its long name and the more living by myself in a cute apt appeals...I don't think this is a good thing.
-take dance lessons.  develop as a dancer.  love dancing.
-work with/study/finish college and get a degree in Special Education, Elementary Education...
-work hard and complete my AMTC training and opportunity
-order some hot drinks to go with Jesus and proceed to go on a nice long walk with Him.
-move.  Move South or West.  I don't know if I still have dreams of going to Montana.  Maybe once Schaumburg has warmed up, I'll fantasize once again of going to the beautiful, free state of Montana (never been there-I just assume it's a beautiful and "free" place to be)
-Jesus. ? 

What should I do first?

-Oh, and not think of myself all the time.  I am not the center of my life.  I never should be.  Never want to be, it's not the best thing.  Others.  Others are what my eyes are focused on.  Serving them because this is how I serve the Creator.  I don't want to live for me.

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